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1st February 2017
Stormy Weather Ahead
Four months have passed since my last entry and almost seven since she passed. It feels longer. I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions and still feeling that paralyzing grasp. I want to return to my normal self, but seem to be held at a gridlock of grief. Some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel so lonely and defeated. I have no sense of purpose and feel lost in life, with no general direction. :
The holidays came and went. Thanksgiving and Christimas were spent alone. I had surgery in early December for my broken nose I never had fixed. I had to go under anesthesia. It hard to admit this, but I had been secretly praying that I would not wake up so this pain would go away...
Suicide has been a lingering thought for me. I can't seem to shake it, no matter what I do. I feel so lonely and have very few people in my life. Over the years I managed to ostracize myself from others. Lately it seems I don't have anyone I can talk to. Weeks at a time snail by with me alone with only my thoughts. Often times I am lead down a dark path and hope for it all to end. The messages to check to see how I am coping have stopped. I am desperate for company, but my messages to others go unchecked.
The one friend I can say that has been there has been Kevin. He insisted that I not spend New Years alone. Him and his girlfriend invited me to spend it with them. She was going to bring a friend for me and I was really looking forward to it. We went to the Saddlerack and I was adamant about having a good time. Kevin's girlfriend's friend ended up ditching us within 30 minutes without saying a word. I tried my best to not show disappointment, all the meanwhile Kevin's girlfriend going off on how rude that was. I told them they should enjoy themselves and I was happy to be with them, while in reality I felt like a major 3rd wheel. Most of that night was spent alone at a table. I remember just staring at the coverage on TV while everyone else seemed to be having a great time. The countdown started, and in that moment alone at the table, I yearned to by with my mother. It's sad to admit, but my last thought of 2016 and first of 2017 was to end it all.
I miss my mom so much. I cannot even begin to find the words to express how depressed and lonely I am. People are cruel and I am remembered of a phrase my father used to always say, "You have no friends in this world." I'm trying my best to continue on, it's what she would want, but am unsure how much longer I can...
14th October 2016
A part of me seems to have died with the passing of my mother. It's difficult to explain, but I don't feel like myself at all. The world - my world has become so bleak. A lot of time has passed since my last post. In between that time I took a trip to Japan, entertained a friend for a couple of weeks, and have been so utterly crushed by life. The waves countinue to crash everyday, somedays worse than others. I feel like I have no direction and am just aimlessly floating by. Days often blend incoherently and I feel so lonely. There is one constant in my life now - I miss my mother. :
Every morning I wake up hoping this whole last year was just a crazy horrible dream. Days go by, yet I only find myself tracking how long it has been since July 13th, rather than the actual dates. My home is so empty - it's just me here. Andrew went to Korea and I am not sure when he is coming back. I find myself desperate for human contact in anyway, but everyone seems to be too busy - maybe I'm just not the best company. It is difficult to find light in anything. I feel that I need to make some sort of a change, but at that same time am paralyzed by grief and disappointment.
My father came out from New Jersey shortly after we recieved my mother's remains
. The plan was to have a memorial service without spreading her ashes. Her wishes were to remian unscattered until Andrew and I decided to sell the house. We thought of places that she liked - Lake Tahoe, her favorite casino Thunder Valley, some places in the bay area, and Great America. My brother, Bill, was concerned with any man made buildings for the fact that they might not always be there. My mother used to always talk to fondly about Fremont when she lived there. She talked about the community of people and how great life used to be when we were younger. My brother suggested Mission Peak since it overlooked the entire city. We all agreed that it would be a perfect for location for her to finally rest when the time came.
We still wanted some kind of closure though - maybe we would not dispurse her remains, but we could make a memorial box for my mother and symbolicaly bury it. We filled the box with all sorts of my mother's possessions that reminded us of her. We layed out her name L-I-L-L-A-N from her favorite game Scrabble, added some Yahtzee dice, a deck of cards and poker chip from favorite casino, a cover off People magazine, her favorite perfume, and some other small mementos. We spent the entire last Sunday in July going around the Bay Area visiting places she loved.We decided to bury the box in Santa Cruz. We all had fond memories of going there so often as a family. When we arrived at the beach we began to scout for a relatively private area where we could conduct our ceremony. We had parked neared the Boardwalk and set out towards a light house in the distance. There was a rock formation that we needed to go around in order to go further down the beach. We timed our run with the waves and sprinted to the other side as the tide retreated. This side of the beach was a lot less crowded and provided the privacy we were seeking. There was a large rock sticking out of the sand next to Life Guard Tower 1. We dug a 4 foot deep hole in the sand on the side of the rock shielded from water. After placing all of her possesions in the box, we put it in the sand. We each said something while covering it... it was a nice moment and I felt incredibly close to my brothers at that time. To finish it off, my father carved an "L" in the rock, just above the box we burried. The rest of the day we spent visiting old houses and sharing memories of her.
In August, I took a trip to Japan for 11 days. It was nice to get away, but at the same time there was no way of escaping the feelings of loss. Unfortunately, I did not get as much insight as I would have liked with my future with Ai. I know that she is a good woman, but in some ways I feel like I will be settling if I do marry her. My friends tell me that passion is something that needs to be consciously maintained, it just doesn't happen organically like it does early on in the relationship. I feel overwhelmed with the decision to be honest and am so confused with what I should do.
Yesterday was tough. It marked exactly three months since her passing. I have never felt so lonely. Every day my first and last thought are about her. I feel cheated in a way. The majority of my life is now set to not have my mom. I look at old ladies well in their 80's and feel jealous that they are there and my mom is not. There is a large void that needs to be filled, but I don't even know how to begin to do so. I am trying to continue on, but I honestly feel so defeated...
20th July 2016
Comes in Waves
I don't believe there is ever a right time to lose a parent; it doesn't matter if you are twenty or sixty - the pain is indescribable. It's been one week since shes passed and I have been hit my pretty much every emotion one could possibly feel. I have felt anger, depressed, happy, loved, considered, deluded, restless, alienated, introverted, reclusive, social; but most of all, sad. The grief hits like an ocean wave. It is difficult to describe, but the best way I can put it is: it's unexpected, one moment you will be feeling one way; then next you're overcome by grief. :
Grief is different for everyone. My brother is handling it completely different than I, choosing to be surrounded by his friends and having a good time. It helps to keep busy - for the both of us. This past week I have chose to stay with family. Michelle and Bill have been spending almost every day with me - or at least checking in on me. We all feel the grief, but are all handling it differently. I wish my mother had not been so stubbourn and at least allowed Bill and Michelle to have known she was sick - but there was no reasoning with her. She was the type of person that when she made a decision - she stuck to it; at least until the otherside gave in. Some may call it unreasonable, but that was part of her - just as much as her loving and caring nature was.
Last week was a blur. My last entry was the day the medical supply rental company came to collect all the equipment. It was hard to see the room so broken. I had gotten use to that hospital bed and awkward arrangement of furniture. The next day, Andrew had some of his friends over and were drinking and swimming in the pool. They offered for me to join them, but I wasn't in the mood for drinking. I tried to just enjoy myself in the pool, but was constantly reminded of my mother. I dried off and went inside and just sobbed in my mother's room. I picked myself up and decided to put everything back the way it was - before she was in hospice care. I moved everything back in order, and anything I wasn't sure about keeping or throwing away just tossed in the bathroom. It was difficult enough to rearrange everything - yet alone decide what I was going to do with the blanket she died in. She told me a story about that blanket. She said she used to always get so nervous - over everything - and at night found comfort in just making holes by circling her finger. I find myself with a memory and attachment to almost everything I see in the house, maybe i'm being too sentimental. I know I cannot bring myself to clearing out her closet yet - hopefully in time I will have the stength and level headedness to do so.
I have been very appreciative of family in this time. Without them - I really don't know how I would have gotten through this week. Michelle and Bill have been both very caring and urge me to meet them. I have been over Bill's a couple of the nights and being together feels better. Michelle came over one night and cooked a proper dinner for me. I let her know about this blog, as well as a few others. She read through it and was happy that I had been writing in it and shared it with her. It was nice having a woman's perspective on everything pertaining to you and brought some much needed insight. The others say they feel comfort, sadness, or just interest from reading it. I hope some good may come from these thoughts I leave here - wether it be comfort, understanding, or any other feeling/emotion you may feel from these words.
I need to figure everything out. I'm going to Japan for a couple of weeks in August. I know staying busy helps and I am trying my best to do so, but social enviornments are not exactly somewhere I desire to be at the moment. I know my mother would want me to be happy, but it's too soon in the grieving process to find some light. My good friend Scott shared some really encouraging words:
"...Nothing can be said or done to fully fill the void that will remain with you from now. But allow that void to show you the positives in life and surround yourself in that as much as possible. She would want you to continue on in happiness, nothing but it. Remember the person she raised you to be and be a great person in her honor. She is and always will be with you in your mind and heart to guide you. Even as time passes, never forget it. Once again, you are in my thoughts. Try to stay strong."
When the time is right, I will be able to move on with my life. I have been in this routine for far too long and need to find what I need. Hopefully these waves of grief become a little less burdensome...
14th July 2016
She passed away yesterday at 7:40 AM on a Wednesday. I'm still in shock eventhough I knew it was coming. I woke up at 7:30 to my normal routine. I would always wake up, make coffee, sit outside and smoke a cigarette for about 15 minutes and then return to wake my mom up at 8 AM for her meds. She was well aware of this as well, since we had been doing it ever since hospice care. She was breathing and appeared to be sleeping so I tried not to disturb her. It must have been 7:50 AM and Andrew comes outside and said I don't think mom is breathing. I coudn't believe it... I was just in there and she was most certainly alive. I rushed inside to see my mother with the same peaceful look on her face, only this time there were no chest movement. I kissed her and she was still warm to the touch. I gently tapped her and waited. Nothing. She was gone... :
In that moment I just broke down. My brother was strong enough to call the hospice, but shortly after getting off the phone, he too broke down. We just embraced each other. There are no words to describe how devastating of a loss goes with a parent. Her nurse, Cathy, arrived asap. She declared her dead and took over from there. My mother had everything in order for cremation so it was a pretty simple process. About an hour later they came for the body. They told us we could either be present or leave the room while they transfer the body. I elected to watch them. Andrew, at first left, but then came back and said he wanted to be there too. By the time they took her she was cold to the touch and her lips were purple. Cathy stuck with us the whole time and gave us a big hug before she too departed.
Next came the time to tell Bill and Michelle. I called Bill at work and asked him if there was anyway we could meet in person? He kept questioning why and would not give in, so i blurted mom passed away. He was shocked as he had no idea she was sick. They had a falling out some years ago and have not spoken since. He told his boss and they told him to take a half day. He came over for the rest of the day and we all just consoled eachother and reminisced about mom. He was disappointed that he did not make ammends with her and that she died without saying goodbye. Michelle was very difficult to get a hold of. When i finally did, she broke down in tears. I handed the phone to Andrew and he told her the news. She too had a falling out and had not known she was sick. She has devastated and I feel so bad for her. She has a lot of regret and is coming over tonight. Bill shared this picture, which I really like, on his instagram.
Everyone has been so warm in reaching out. People I have not spoken to in years have constantly been messaging me just letting me know if i need to talk they are there... I really don't know what I did to you to deserve the door shut in my face. It must have been pretty terrible. I don't want to hold grudges, but I cannot believe your response when I reached out. We clearly are two entirely different people on an emotional level. In a way there may be something positive that will come out of it, perhaps more detached and numb towards any idea ever of sharing anything special. Everyday is a new day though, and life is so short. If you ever reached out to me in time of need, be assured you would be warmly embraced... it's just the type of person I am.
Last night was difficult. I can't stand to be in her room without breaking down and crying. Her scent still lingers and all of her worldly possesions are just too much to handle. I decided I would watch a movie. I chose Forest Gump. It was sad, and I did have to take a breather during the part about his mother, but ultimately I felt a little better after watching it. I finally managed to fall a sleep from 1 AM to 5:30 AM. I am going to be honest, I am depressed now. I want to leave and go somewhere, but have to wait for everything to be finalized. I found this quote that sums up how i feel:
You asked me how depression felt,
and this is all I could come up with.
It feels like
I'm walking upstream
through a current strong enough
to pull me under four times over.
There are others with me
but they are walking along the banks
telling me to "just get out of the water."
But instead of extending a hand in help,
they just move on and leave me behind.
Every once in a while I find a rock
that is strong enough for me to lean on,
And I can rest for a bit.
But the rocks always get tired of holding me up,
and when they let go, I'm left drowning,
thrown 50 feet back again.
And nothing is harder
then standing up in that current
when everything in you
is telling you how much easier things would be
if you just let yourself get dragged under.
RIP Mom April 13, 1949 - July 13, 2016. I will cherish everything you taught me in life. I am who I am because of you. You always were there for me, even when you didn't want to be. I truly hope that your dream of the afterlife is what exists. I love you and miss you...
12th July 2016
She is still here, despite being on day 16 for not eating and day 10 for not drinking. I'm not quite sure what she is holding onto. I have been so sad lately. I can't stop crying, but this new Pokemon Go is quite the distraction. Late at night, I roam around, sometimes up to three hours. It's my escape. I don't have many people I can talk to and am concerned about myself. I find myself usually eating one small meal everyday, the nurses say I have loss weight, yet i'm not hungry. I've been through this once before and that was the summer of 2005. I have some pictures from that time where I look almost sick. I hate this feeling and just want it to go away. :
My mom is holding onto something. I am trying to grasp why she won't let go. The nurses explain that younger patients have a more difficult time with letting go. Being that she is only 67, I can see that. It seems everyone in my family have short lives. My mother has actually outlived her parents. Her mother died when my mom was 2 of tuberculosis and father of cancer at 64. My father's side is even more grim: his father died at 48 of cirrhosis of the liver and his mother in her late 50s. I might be plagued by bad genes and a short life, literally and figuratively, but at this point that doesn't seem too bad.
I reached out to you. I desperately just wanted to talk and had no intentions whatsoever. I was expecting you to be warm, but got the opposite. I know how much you appreciate honesty and frankness, but your reply was so cold. It seems you have no room for me in your life. You told me you're seeing someone for the last two and half years so I really should not be that surprised by what you say. I'm almost 99.99% sure to my question though. I really was just a trivial part of your life. I no longer have any hope for you to read these entries.
Despite being together for two years and being our firsts to each other; I remember when we broke up you said we weren't ever really
in love. I never believed it and thought you only were saying it to only hurt me. I believe it now. I doubt I cross your mind ever, yet alone a dead journal from 2003. Despite this, I continue to write here. It helps me to be honest with myself. Even if you never come back, I have this place for my own reflection. In a way maybe these entries are a way of letting go, in more ways than one.
As we grow older our perceptions are constantly changing: what/who is important, what is considered success, etc. I feel I am at one of those cross roads in life. With all my mother is leaving me, god bless her, I have any opportunity I want to pursue. I'm still questioning if marriage is for me. I'm planning on taking a trip to Japan in August to see how things are and to just have some fun. Part of the reason I am doing this is because I am on the fence about committing and may call off the engagement. I just don't know what i'll do yet; but if I do decide to call it off, I think she deserves it in person. After that, who knows. Andrew wants me to travel with him. The idea sounds nice, but how I feel now makes me want to say no. I don't want to commit to anything right now. I need to find myself and what makes me happy...
10th July 2016
I cannot believe my mother is still here. She has not eaten for 14 days nor drank anything for 8. She has been in a coma for the last week. I am still talking to her and trying to spend as much time as I can near her, but to be honest it has become quite depressing. I try to make sure she is comfortable and have been making flower arrangements from our garden. I know that when she was awake she use to appreciate it. I sill keep them nice, just in case she opens her eyes. :
In times of great peril in your life, you really start to learn who is truly there for you. I have been both surprised and disappointed. I am surprised by who actually cares and checks in regularly to see how I am doing. I can really disappointed that many, whom I considered to be good friends, have not given a lot of thought or consideration about what I am going through. I know it sounds selfish and that everyone has their own life, but everyone can take an hour out of a whole week just to talk... which helps me greatly.
Recently, I have been contemplating what lies after death. In a strange way their are many coincidental chance events that link two separate beings. Don't get me wrong, I do not question anything that has been scientifically proven. However, at the same time, there are so many mysteries that are yet to be solved. I consider myself spiritual, but not very religious. I do believe there is something beyond life that one experiences. No one will ever be able to prove what religion has it right, or if any are for that matter. I do believe in some sort of higher power and a sort of balance that is naturally occurring in our universe - something that links us to one another and to the universe as a whole.
I've been so tired, but have not been sleeping well. I probably should not being doing this, but sometimes take my mother's pain medication and anti anxiety just to numb myself to sleep. I sleep in a the same room as my mother, and check on her frequently throughout the night. I could not even count how many times I thought she had passed from her chest literally not moving for sometimes up to thirty seconds. Her body is giving out, but her soul is still in there. I talk to her about heaven in the Catholic sense because that's what she believes in. I have been trying to ease her worries and to encourage her to let go. I often break down in tears from talking with her and have to excuse myself to recollect. I don't want her to see me weak. After talking about it so much, the idea of heaven is something that I really hope exists. I have made my fair number of mistakes, or sins, but believe overall the good far outweighs the bad. If heaven is real, I do hope to join her there someday...
3rd July 2016
Firsts and Lasts
I'm not exactly sure how my mother is still hanging on. In 12 days she has not eaten anything and has drank scarcely, nothing of sustaining amounts. Eighteen out of my twenty-four hours are by her side. Sometimes it can be scary as I'm not exactly sure if I am doing everything she needs. She has loss her ability to speak for the most part, yet still manages to yell out the occasional "help me" or "daddy!" It's quite sad. The hospice nurse believes she might have had a stroke since her left side of her body is paralyzed and suck in what appears to be an uncomfortable position. :
When the nurse came yesterday she was surprised how strong her vitals were. Earlier in the day she was constantly complaining of pain and could not sleep. The nurse advised me to increase her fentanyl patch to 200 MG and to give 2 ML of morphine (twice her normal dose) per hour. It seemed to help with the pain and she finally got some rest. I have to be honest the medicine schedule is becoming cumbersome. There are so many I have to remember and what time of day she must take them. I feel a bit overwhelmed and on top of that it seems to change on a daily basis. What worked one day, may not be what's needed for the next.
As bad as it sounds, I want her to pass soon. This waiting game is the worse part during the whole cancer ordeal, even more than the false hope. She has zero quality of life and nothing left to finish. I keep reassuring her that God is good, and Jesus will take care of her. I remind her that she was a loving mother, faithful wife, and donated a lot of her free time to helping others. I can only imagine how terrifying the unknown must be for her, but I hope these words at least ease her fears of passing. For the past three days she has been clenching her grandmother's rosary beads, I pray that she won't have to carry them much longer.
I cherish the last meal my mother cooked for me not knowing then it would be her last. It was one her delicious bacon and egg sandwiches. Recently she told me a story of how I loved rice when I was a toddler. I'm not sure if you know this, but I used to have silver capped baby teeth. When I was an infant, and nursing, I would keep the milk in between my gums and lips. It left my teeth partially rotted so I needed to have them capped. During the procedure I was wrapped in a papoose and screaming the entire time for my mother, who was not allowed in the room. The experience was traumatic and painful. The dentist ordered my mother to only give me liquids for the next 48 hours. She recalls that when we got home, I demanded rice and would not accept anything else. She eventually gave in and said the rice seemed to wipe away all the bad events previous in the day. She always seemed to have a way of easing a painful situation.
I sent you a message the other day, it was nice to receive a reply. I'm not sure if you have gotten a chance to read my latest message, as it's 4th of July weekend and you are probably doing something great. I do hope to hear from you soon. Lately it seems like I don't have too many people I can call real friends. Maybe i'm just being pessimistic, but rarely has anyone really bothered to check/talk about what I am going through. Maybe i'm being overly sensitive or selfish, but it's how I feel. Anytime someone does reach out, they don't have much to offer anyways. What else can one really say other than "that sucks, i'm sorry to hear that.." Theres always two sides to every story though and I know I could do better to stay in touch with those I care about. I think you were right when you said we only make a number of true friends we can count on our fingers.
Do you remember our first date? We went to the A's game with your dad and his friends. I don't know why I remember, but it was also the first time I caught you in a lie. During our time together, we use to always talk wether it be instant messenger, text, or phone. I remember your father actually had your texting blocked because of how much we used it. One random conversation we were talking about cars, and I asked what your father drove. You said a BMW X5 and that was the end of that... well at least until the A's game. You, your father, and his friend arrived to my home to pick me up. It was that same Honda Civic, where the clutch went out. I remember when I hopped in the car I asked your dad, "No X5 today?" He just looked confused and you hit me to let me to know to drop it. Later at the game you told me the truth. That whole day was a fun memory and I remember how crazy we were for each other. We couldn't keep our hands off each other the whole car ride home, secretly kissing in the back seat as your dad and his friend drove me home.
Thirteen years ago, today, was actually when we had our first kiss. I can't remember any other particular first kisses, but this one. It was 2003 and we had been talking for about a month. We saw each other maybe only once, but would frequently talk online or on the phone. Both of our families were going up to Tahoe for the 4th of July and we made plans to see each other. I remember the first thing I did when I got up there was call you, which my mom happen to take a picture of. I gave you my address and about 30 minutes later you arrived. I remember being so nervous and awkward around you. To make matters worst, my mom insisted on taking this picture within 2 minutes of you arriving.
In hindsight i'm actually really happy she did take it. Shortly after we decided to take a walk. I don't recall having any particular destination planned, but we found one soon enough. We spotted a set of long narrow stairs that led to the lake shoreline. I remember walking down the stairs having this intense feeling of wanting to kiss you so bad. At the end of the steps there were large rocks off to the left. We sat on the rocks, awkwardly trying to get comfortable, both knowing what was coming. It wasn't my first kiss, but it was my most memorable kiss and it felt incredible. It's funny that I can't even recall my first kiss ever, but this one - this one just was special.
If you ever find yourself on Lakeview Ave and want to revisit the spot, look for this area:
Follow the steps all the way down and you will be there. I know we were never really good at being friends, but I do miss you dearly. I don't know when the next time we will speak will be, but I hope it's soon...
28th June 2016
Coming to an End
I finally have a chance to sit down to write down some of my thoughts. Since starting hospice care my mother's condition has drastically declined. She is at the stage where it is only a matter of days. It's difficult to fathom life without her. She has been a major part of my life and an extreme influence on many decisions. For example, I don't believe I would have returned from Japan if she had not plead to me after the earthquake and tsunami. :
In recent days her personality is almost completely gone. It has been four days since she last ate and she is barely drinking any liquids. She is like an infant, in more ways than one. She needs constant care; feeding, bathing and changing her diaper. The cancer is so progressed that it is believed to be in her brain. She can no longer communicate and grunts and makes noises when she is bothered or agitated. The nurse advises me to keep her heavily medicated, so I do. I have started to accept that she is no longer there and is almost an empty shell physically. I really don't want to remember her like she is now and don't believe she would want to be living in the condition she is in.
I'm a little sad that I did not take more pictures with her when she was well. She always seemed to be on the other side of the camera. I do cherish each and every photo I do I have of her. But, if I close my eyes I envision something no photo could ever capture. It's an image ingrained in my brain; she is around 45 years old, wearing a red christmas sweater, with an apron from recently baking cookies. It's a peaceful memory for me and a time when things were well.
There is one of those images of you I hold onto... You may not remember this, but there was a weekend when we stayed at my home alone while my parents went to Tahoe. We had just made love and you said you needed to catch up on some reading for school. You left the room, thinking I was going to nap. You sat in the hallway, near the front entrance, with your back against one of the entry ways. It must have been around 4 or 5 PM as the sun filled the room with a soft pink glow. I snuck out to see what you were up to while trying to make my presence invisible. It felt like an eternity, but probably was only minutes, until you finally realized I was there. In all honesty, I had wished you didn't. I remember you looking incredibly beautiful in that exact moment. Whenever I close my eyes and think about you, that's the image the comes to mind.
I want to remember my mother when she was well. If I could, I would erase this cancer stricken image from my mind forever - instead I will just have to remember the beauty and life she once held. In time, I can only hope to overcome this grief and move on with my life, whatever direction that may be...
30th May 2016
Appreciate the Present
I have been having a difficult time with grasping reality. The last five days I have spent at my mother's side without leaving her. Andrew and I are her sole care takers, but he had a five day trip planned with one of his friends. It helps having someone here to help tend to her needs. These past five days have allowed me to enjoy what little time I have left with my mother and to dive into some personal reflection. I have been having a lot of trouble thinking about what the future has in hold for me. I am scared on so many levels, I really don't know where to even start. While my mom rests, I sometimes scour the cancer forums and read about people in the same situation as me. Sometimes the stories people share provide some peace, but ultimately I feel overwhelmed. :
My mother has been my rock in my life. Out of all the people who have come and gone in my life, she has always been there for me. It is difficult to see the woman who brought me into this life become so weak and powerless. Her condition has been slowly deteriorating and I am unsure how much time she has left. I try to enjoy every possible moment with her; from sharing stories and recipes to just enjoying each other by holding hands. Sometimes I find it difficult to not cry. I know I need to be strong for her, but it is impossible to mask my emotions. We have had some difficult conversations recently. She has revealed so many things about herself that I didn't know about. I fear there is not enough time to learn and absorb everything.
Thinking about the future frightens me. I have been trying to enjoy the present, but am frequented by the past quite often. My mother requested to look at some old pictures. During the divorce, my father split all the family photos among the siblings. We each had our own box, so my mom wanted to look through mine. We went through all of them! It was nice seeing pictures of people I had long forgotten. My mother would share a story when something jarred her memory. It was really nice to reminisce... in that time I had almost forgotten she was dying. While digging through all those old photos I found a lot of comfort. I was always so happy as a child. I have very fond memories of my childhood and I could not have asked for a better one. My junior high photos were a different story. The best way to put it - I was trying to find who I was. I don't know who I was trying to fool with my mean mug at the camera every chance I got. It made me laugh to see how much I have changed over the years.
There were a bunch of pictures of you in the lot. My mom said that I looked so happy with you. Looking back it was probably one of the happiest times in my life. I had a bit of a revelation though. It occurred to me that I would never have this many physical pictures of any other lover in my life. We were the last generation to use disposable cameras. It truly was a different time. We didn't have the luxury of seeing the picture instantly. There were no retakes - it was just snap a photo and hope for the best! It was nice seeing a time where I was so happy and filled with so much hope...
15th May 2016
Meaning to Post.
It's not like it matters, but I've been meaning to post something here for a while. Things have been a bit hectic as of late. :
Ai came to visit in late April for a week. Our relationship seems a bit obscure. We only see each other once a week per year. We always have a lot of fun and I do miss her when she leaves, but at the same time I feel relieved. I have been mostly faithful. I say mostly because I have been on some dates here and there, but nothing ever developed into anything meaningful. Chemistry is probably the number one attribute I seek for a meaningful and sustainable relationship. Ai and me have very strong chemistry, but I feel that something is missing. It took me a long time to pinpoint what it was. Regretfully it seems to be passion, at least on my side. It may sound terrible, but the night she left I actually had a dream about you. I'm content, but I fear that ultimately I may not be 100% confident in marriage.
I have a confession. I have been putting off my marriage to see how you end up. It's difficult to write this, but I haven't loss that feeling of missing you after all this time. I would never be able to muster the courage to write to you directly, nor do I think you would be reciprocative in the feeling. At this point, if it's meant for you to know, then I believe fate will bring these words to you somehow.
I wrote about being unsure about how you felt in a previous post. This may sound so stupid, but do you remember "25 Random Random Things About Me" from Facebook? It was a list you created with 25 random factoids about you that not many people know about. You then tagged 25 friends and would share the list and they would have to do the same. When I read yours there was one about having terrible taste in men and that the one you felt was right, you ended it with and couldn't go back. When I read it my heart sank. Fool heartedly I thought it was a confession about me. I can recall being so nervous about bringing it up to you and finally confessing how I felt the same. It took me a couple of weeks and I finally decided to bring it up.
Oh that? Yeah that is about Travis and something to the extent that Alex asked you the same thing. The part about Travis was a known hurt, but the part about Alex was where I realized our relationship was probably so trivial to you. Being put in that same boat as the guy that seemed like a meaningless relationship actually hurt more than the truth about Travis. As insignificant as it may have been for you, I don't enjoy going back to that memory. I felt utterly crushed and that overwhelming depression feeling returned. In all honesty I felt incredibly stupid and foolish.
I've been so tired as of late. Yesterday I went on a four mile walk. It was much needed and felt so therapeutic. Earlier this week we received the results from my mother's CAT scan. I could tell the doctor was nervous before he read the results and knew it wasn't good. The chemo, at best, slowed the cancer. However the cancer still spread to several areas of the intestines, the spine, and her skull. The doctor waited for my mother's response. "Well, I guess we tried. I don't want to go back for more treatment." The doctor supported her decision and started to explain what happens next. We asked him what her time frame was. He said he could not say for certain, but probably 3 months.
I should have expected this, but by nature I may be a bit overly optimistic. She put up a tough fight and I intend to spend the rest of her days making sure she is comfortable and at peace when it's time. Everything is going by so quick, I sometimes wish I could slow it down. We have made her arrangements with the mortuary to be cremated. A hospice nurse has already visited and now her room is cluttered with so much medical equipment. She is so worried to make sure that everything is in order. I really just want to spend as much time with her as I can before she goes...
20th March 2016
March is always a strange month for me. Lately it seems my life has been very death-centric. A lot has happened since I last posted here. Shortly after going to the doctors things drastically took a turn for the worse with my mother. :
About a week after visiting the doctor, she noticed a lump in her neck. Sure enough I felt it and was a lump the size of a half dollar and hard as a rock. We decided to call her oncologist to see if he wanted her to come in. He said that this was to be expected with the disease progression and that it wasn't necessary for her to make the trip. The following week, on February 25th, we noticed another lump. This time it appeared to be the size of half a golf ball near her right collar bone. Since the doctor said it was expected the last time, we didn't do anything. She complained that it was extremely painful for the next couple days. We upped her pain medicine intake and I frequently rubbed Tiger balm on the area, but unfortunately she did not get any relief.
On the morning of February 27th she fell. It was really scary as she could not get her up. It was impossible for me to lift her. I ended up taking the mattress off her bed so she could use the box spring for support as I helped her as best as possible. It's easy to tell the pain level my mother is experiencing as she does not have a very good poker face. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worse pain, I would say she was at an 11. We got her up and she said she needed a doctor. I called her oncologist, but since it was Saturday, and got routed to the hospital operator. He took the information and forwarded it to the oncologist on all call, who called me back within 2 minutes. She suggested my mother visit the ER. It was a struggle to get my mother to agree to going to the ER. She worried about being admitted and having to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time. She has already made it clear that she would like to spend the rest of her days in the comforts of her own home. At the ER, we find some surprising news. She broke her collar bone! The break was a pathological fracture due to the cancer. They sent her home with a generic sling and a RX for pain medication.
The next few days were very difficult. The sling did not do a lot and the pain medication was worse than the pain medication she was taking for the cancer! First thing Monday, I spoke with her oncologist and family physician, just to keep them in the loop. Her oncologist wrote out a RX for Fentanyl patches to take in addition to her existing pain medication. Her family physician recommended a orthopedic surgeon and filled out a request for a hospital bed for the home. It wouldn't all happen at once. We did get the Fentanyl patches that day, the orthopedic surgeon was Thursday, but the bed was a longer process. The time up to Thursday could not come soon enough. It seemed like she got worse everyday. I honestly thought she was on her death bed with how she appeared. Once we got to Thursday, her comfort and spirits seemed to go up. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but she received a figure 8 brace and started chemotherapy. I'm hopeful that she will not have to suffer anymore. It's so hard to see her in this condition...
My birthday was this past Tuesday. I was hoping for a message from you, but was not expecting it. I sent you one on your last birthday, but you did not reply. To be honest, it hurt seeing you wish Yule a happy birthday every year and not so much as to respond to most of my messages. I remember one year you even posted a picture of you out to dinner on my birthday without saying anything to me. It hurt. I can't forget October 13th even if I wanted to...
Sophia Ngo's birthday is March 13th so I usually think of her around this time. I never shared this with anyone, but the night she died I had a dream about her. I was in Japan and Mike C broke the news through a Facebook message. I was pretty devastated and actually broke down. It was the first time I had ever loss anyone.
I don't dream often. I believe that's why when I do, it leaves an imprint - almost like a real memory would. I can remember this dream clear as can be. It was night, Sophia and I were on the beach, just sitting in the sand while the watching waves come in. I don't remember anything being said, just being there watching the waves come crashing onto the beach together. With the rising tide each wave would come closer and closer to us. Eventually the waves were on top of us and we were in the water. In a moments flash, I was stuck on the beach as Sophia was being pulled further and further out to sea. I remember trying to swim out to her, but physically some force held me from reaching her. She was not struggling and seemed so at peace. Eventually I could not see her and woke up. Call it what you will, but I believe that it was her saying goodbye...
18th February 2016
Lately I have been reminiscing a lot. Not for reasons you might expect, but my mind seems to always wander in random directions. I've had quite a bit of free time on my hands since my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 uterus cancer in early November. It was a difficult pill to swallow. The doc wanted to tackle it with an aggressive 6 week treatment; with 5 days of radiation and one day of chemotherapy per week. Flash forward to early January and we get the news that the cancer spread despite the treatment she received. It's been difficult coping with a dying parent and it's even more difficult to see her in so much pain. :
Today we had a follow up with the doctor. He wanted to give her a month of rest before offering her additional treatment. He proposed for her to receive 4 additional chemotherapy sessions of a combination of two different drugs. He was brutally honest in that if this does not work, it is pretty much a nail in the coffin. At times she wants to give up, she says it. I keep trying to push her to not give up the fight and that there is still life worth living. She brings up her pain all the time - not just from the cancer - but emotional scars she held over the years. Pain from the divorce, her heart attack, and constantly second thinking what she could have done differently in her perceived failings.
My mother and I have had a callused relationship, but I cannot imagine my world without her. I fear the day that I go to check on her and she has already passed. Crying helps sometimes, but more often I try to think about other things. At least once a day you pop in my head. A lot of the memories are a nice break from the reality, but sometimes I think about my regrets and failings with us. There were a lot of a faults to us, and I attribute most of it to my immaturity. I was so scared of losing you, that my controlling actions eventually put its tole on the relationship. Looking back I don't blame you for not wanting to get back together shortly after ending it.
I often think about the person I was. Most of the time I don't see much of that person in me nowadays and am frankly embarrassed of some things I said/did in the past. There is no way to make up for it, but it doesn't hurt to say that I am sorry. One thing that I really regret is guilting you into letting me read your diary. It wasn't right. That's partly why I decided to post in here. I intend on updating this journal open for you to read...
14th September 2015
Last night I had a dream about you. It's strange that after ten years of not being together that I am reminded of you so often. I have written this letter more times than I would like to admit. The early letters were often sad - in fact, you read one. I wished I would have reacted differently at the time you told me, but I let my pride get the best of me. I would rewrite and rehash what I wanted to say, but would always fall short. Most of the time it just came off bitter. :
Four long years ago was the last saw each other. We have drifted so far a part that I am unsure how this letter would be conceived if sent directly to you. Even though you may never read this, I want to admit that you still hold a very special place in my heart. You may think that me distancing myself from you is out of malice. It isn't, it's for me - in that I am always reminded of you through pictures, common friends, etc. It may be selfish, but to be honest it became difficult seeing your life flourish while mine was stuck in neutral. I really don't know what to say other than I'm sorry for pushing you away. To put it blunt, I was a bit of an asshole at times.
I don't expect for these words to bring you back, but I think you should know how important you have been in my life. To be honest I have been so confused over these past ten years about what I meant to you. Things you have said in the past have stuck with me so vividly. It's strange because I don't remember these little details when it comes to other people. It's certainly not a matter of experience either. I can say that I have been in love twice - both so different. I won't compare you and her - but I will say that I miss what you and I had and have fond memories of that time.
Even if I never do experience that again, or if your love for me was not the same - I want to say thank you. Thank you for being my first love. Thank you for shaping me in ways you will never know. Although we may never be close again, knowing this is here for you is enough for me. Oh, and the dream I had about you... It was the first time we met. At MSJ, I was coming back from lunch and you happen to catch my eye. You were wearing a white button up shirt with sleeves rolled up, hair back in a pony tail, and those white pants. In hindsight there was a lot of chance events that lead us to meeting. It was the first time that I ever experienced that feeling of butterflies. I never did feel that with anyone else. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always...
19th June 2004
So i put iTunes on random.. and the 10 songs that came up were.. :
Foo Fighters - Everlong
Live - Deep Enough
Wyclef Jean - Bubblegoose
Mariah Carey - Hero
Nas - Oochie Wally
The Darkness - I Believe In a Thing Called Love
Mobb Deep - Hey Luv
Mo Thugs Family - Ghetto Bluez
Three Six Mafia - Chicken Head
Green Day - Hitchin' A Ride
Some strange ones there :-D... hahaha
That was fun for all of 2 mins...
17th May 2004
I'm so cool that...
I stole this from Erica... have fun :
I want anyone and everyone who reads this to post in here something they would LIKE to do with me SOMEDAY.
Then post this in your journal to find out what I want to do with you
5th April 2004
An Update that Needed to Happen
Wow.. i haven't updated in days... :
so i was eating one of those cheese sticks and i realized there was a joke on it.
What do you call a leisurely morning meal?
wow that was a great joke wasn't it? bye
13th September 2003
My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?
hmm... i cant even get into NC-17 movies.
11th September 2003
so i'm in class and i see this on ashley's journal. guess i'll take it because im such a klepto. :
3rd September 2003
just wanted to say that school is already a pain in the ass! 9 more months :-(. :
8th August 2003
yeah so have you ever ridden the bus? okay today was my first day ever, and i rode it with a fellow newbie to the system. not only did we get lost trying to get to valley faire, on the way home we met some psychos...literally. okay so michelle and i were waiting for the 64 on san carlos, and this old man was trying to make conversation with us. we tried to scoot away from him, but he would just scoot closer and talk about old people things. then some woman came by--she looked like the requiem for a dream lady who was on speed. anyways, she asked us if we knew her. michelle nodded no. i nodded yes? i dont know why. anyways she kept talking and another lady on the bench asked her if she needed to go to a hospital. she just did some weird curse thing with her hand and like ran away...she was crying the whole time by the way. did i mention it looked like we were in the ghetto? 20 minutes later the bus came and we made it home in one unraped piece. god bless america for its public transportation system.
4th August 2003
I'm bored and someone told me to update this so here goes. Nothing has been really going on. HAHAHA... now i know why i dont update this thing... oh well.. Yep. Hmm...
24th July 2003
Hmm so i haven't updated this in hella days. Nothing much has been going on. Summer school is some boring shit, but the classes are hella easy. Well im no longer driving the GTX.. i got a SRT-4. I like it better, its just as fast and has hella nice handling. Well i guess i really dont have much to say. I dont know why im updating this crap. :
27th June 2003
Its ok Ching Chong
I dont know much about DDR, or the competitons that happen. Anyways Ching Chong, or Sam, is pretty sad about coming in second to Xing Chen at the West Coast Dance Dance Revolution Finals (WCDDRF in short). Supposedly this is the one of the biggest DDR competitions besides the World Wide DDR Competition. I guess i you had to place first in the WCDDRF to qualify for the World wide one :
look at this IM she sent me....
chickletFIDYcent (11:56:42 PM): oh well i think i'll cry myself to sleep and hold my ddr pad tight praying to shen ng pho to give me the strenghth and swift ddr legs to overcome this obstacle.
You guys should IM her and tell her that second isn't that bad...
I know DDR is a big thing for her, and that she only took second. Hell i would be pretty pissed if i came in second at anything, but we know that would never happen because well its me. Anyways Ching Chong you gotta cheer up. Your always gonna be my number 1 DDR girl.
So honestly now, I don't think that there can be enough tiny toons on television. Seriously, something about that Babs just makes me want to sit there for hours. I would sit there for hours, but i get the videogame munchies to play warcraft at least once every 5 minutes, so I usually jet to my easy access laptop to play during the commercials. I have the sickest hippogryphs in the whole entire world! aside from my friends who always beat me...I practice on my own time so that I can beat them though. I can't wait until I am the ultimate warcraft master. :
While letting of a rocket I was thinking 10 things the world could use to be a better place for everyone... everyone being mostly myself. I have come up with a list: :
1.)Cleaner public toilets
2.)More cows to kill=More Burgers for me
3.)Tumor free cell phones
4.)DDR Games everywhere you go, cause i play everyday
5.)More music that falls in the category of "Pimp Rock"
6.)Some kind of thing to attach decapitated animals heads.
7.)Easy Mac and Cheese that you cook in the microwave that actualy tastes like real Mac and Cheese.
8.)Less soda because it strips the enamal off your teeth
9.)Little helper monkeys, free of any diseases, that do various thing like give you sponge baths, and cook you mac and cheese.
10.)More people like John because hes the greatest guy i know.
Well thats my list. I think if we had those the world would be a much better place. Yesterday was fun. I went to a DDR competition and took 2nd place. Stupid Xing Chen! I'll beat you next time... GrRrrR! Anyways... the weather has been nice. I like it being hot. Something about being sweaty really turns me on. Is it just me or is that guy that play Malfoy from Harry Potter the biggest hottie?? I don't think its just me. That guys turns me on so much. Hes so sexy. I like his hair too, i just wished that most guys would take on that look because its such a cool hair style. Well good bye!
PS I got some splash back at launch of the rocket. I hate it when that happens!